Dear LEA curators:
Please consider lifting the ban on Save Me Oh for humanitarian reasons. As an artist, hers has been a very hard life. Abandoned at birth by her mother, she was raised by her eccentric polygamist father who daily fed he…r small portions of poisonous plants in order to make her immune to all known toxins. He hoped to create the ultimate art critic fatale in order to avenge himself upon the world that spurned his “sperm” art that he spewed in a veritable fountain of expressionist gush in the direction of anyone who caught his attention. She has never known a normal existence. Her first kiss when she was the tender age of 12 resulted in the death of the boy. Her first sexual experiences took place after she was kidnapped by a band of excommunicated nuns who abused her and left her in the hands of a convent of Dutch art forgers who forced her to learn how to paint fake Thomas Kinkaid’s in spite of the fact that she has always longed to be a fauvist and grow a mustache like Dali or Frieda. The nuns beat her everyday and often injected her with linseed oil in order to keep her from running away. Over the years, she was forced to produce velvet Elvis art, card playing dogs, and pictures of Jesus that bled from the eyes on command. Eventually she snapped. She set her captors hair on fire while they slept and afterwards, the balding nuns shipped her off to a secret research lab where the scientists taught her to perform Pavlovian dog tricks and then sent her to live in a Hungarian circus where she was forced to wear magic underwear and sleep with underage ex-polygamist sisterwives of her father. Oddly, they all looked like her and this made her question for the first time the purity of her father’s love. As a result of her treatment, she has developed a severe allergy to men with mustaches and anything that smells like carbolic acid. She cannot deny that she has relieved herself on the leg of more than one LEA curator, but she insists this is a sign of affection. She has posthumously forgiven all whom she has trespassed against. She has swallowed syrup of ipecac and bathed in smelling salts so that the committee would find her pleasing to the eye and nose. Please please release her from the bondage of being banned. Save her. The life you save may be your oh.